I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
