Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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