Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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