I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize