just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Barsexuality is the new black.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
