i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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