Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
