I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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