Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
im six kinds of drunk right now
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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