I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
