yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
