We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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