theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Randomize
