I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize