I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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