I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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