I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
