dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
