I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
