My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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