Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize