WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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