I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize