I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Welp...herpes.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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