Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
