just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
