Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
