oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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