You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
