somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
