Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You were trust falling into bushes
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
