and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
