she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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