Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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