I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
