I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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