She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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