I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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