and you said cock pushups were impossible
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
