Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize