did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize