Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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