this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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