Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
