Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
