peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
