So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
