...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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