Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Blood and glitter go together right?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
