Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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