What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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