this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
