We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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