when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
