Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
