My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize