haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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