i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
